The Stages Of Life -- In Food Terms

1. Can He Chew It? (Parental Concern)

Teeth check in, and with them, the ability to handle solid food.

2. Will I Like It?

For a kid, the potential for trauma lurks behind every meal. "You're gonna sit there until you eat everything on that plate." "I didn't pay good money for you to waste that food." "Don't you know that children in (insert Third World reference here) are starving for that food?" It's why the Happy Meal is so happy -- you know it, you like it, and they give you a toy to boot.

3. Can I Afford It?

You grow up, you get the autonomy to eat pizza all day every day if you want to. The rub: you need to assemble five other guys to go in with you to order one.

4. Will It Make Me Fat?

You can afford to make the move from subsistence eating to recreational eating. But you're realizing that there suddenly aren't enough calorie-burning opportunities in a day to manage equilibrium entirely on the output side. More and more frequently, there's food you like and can pay for, but you still turn down.

5. Can I Digest It?

You knew that Jerry Seinfeld's parents and the other seniors at the Del Boca Vista retirement home thought that 6 was an absurdly late hour for dinner, but there was an element to the joke that you didn't quite get. Until you started to realize that an ill-timed, excessively ambitious meal could be enjoyable for an hour, then a far bigger nuisance for twelve. Midnight steak? When it means trying to sleep on a bowling ball, no thanks.

6. Can I Chew It?

Teeth check out, and with them, the ability to handle solid food.


If you live in a locale where the traditional late night/early morning on the way home meal is a stop at a 24-hour White Castle, rest assured that when you're in the drive-through line at 3 a.m., that's not me in front of you.