You Do Not Want This Car

This is the 2009 Dodge Challenger SRT8.

As a public service, I am warning you that this is a car that you do not want.

As some of you may remember and others of you may have seen or read, Dodge previously produced a model called the Challenger that looked a great deal like this one. The 1970 version of the car has been said to be the inspiration for the new model.

Which should serve as an alarm bell for careful automotive shoppers. The 1970 example of the Challenger was a typical example of what was known at the time as a "muscle car." For those who are not aware, "muscle cars" were created by throwing big, powerful engines into small and/or stripped down bodies. Muscle cars were not created by upgrading the suspensions or brakes of those bodies as much as they should have been. Which meant that muscle cars were notoriously indifferent to even urgent requests to stop or turn. Is that the kind of vehicle you want as inspiration for a car you buy in 2008?

And let's not so quickly bypass the supposedly positive feature of the muscle car: the big, powerful engine. 425 horsepower isn't as practical now as it was then. The lower speed limits and greater congestion of today's America make for very few opportunities to use any more engine than a nice, sensible four-cylinder provides. And even though engines are more efficient than those of 35 years ago, the Hemi powerplant of today's Challenger still guzzles quite a bit of gasoline. That might have been fine and dandy when gas cost less than .40 a gallon and we thought we could pump oil out of the ground indefinitely, but now that prices are closer to 4.00 and peak oil is rearing its ugly head, who can afford to be so irresponsible?

"I can," you say?

You must be of the sort who went around throwing money at vintage Challengers and Barracudas and Chargers and Road Runners in the last twenty years, driving up the demand and prices so much that folks of modest means couldn't afford to buy a reasonably priced example.

Or so I hear.

But even if you can afford to disregard the cost considerations, think of the style statement you would be making with the purchase of this car. Let's say you were born in 1954 or before, which would have made you old enough to have driven a Challenger in its original incarnation. If you didn't have one then, a purchase of this one will make you look as if you are trying to claim coolness you lacked at the time.

If, on the other hand, you did drive one then, buying this one will make you look like your current life isn't decent enough for you to let go of the early 1970s. I will leave it to you to decide which image is more pathetic. Neither is what you want to look like.

Nor do you want the image you'll have if you were born too late to have even remembered the original Challenger: say, any time from about 1968 on. Since I'm doing a public service here, I'll go ahead and spell out what that image is: POSEUR. What do you know about Challengers, or muscle cars at all? Whatever it is, it's after the fact and/or second hand. How would you look driving a Challenger? About the same as you'd look wearing a letterman's jacket when you weren't on the team. Or wearing a captain's cap when you aren't in the navy, don't own a yacht, and aren't married to Toni Tennille. Do you even know who Toni Tennille is? Well, if you didn't hear her on AM radio or see her on VHF television, you have no business buying a Challenger. Save yourself some embarrassment and stay away from your local Dodge dealer, unless you're shopping for an iconic name that doesn't look anything at all like its predecessor: the Charger. Help yourself to all the Vipers and Caravans you want.

In fact, there's an entire automotive brand for your demographic. It's called Scion, and I'm sure their dealers will be happy to see you coming. But take it from me: the Challenger is not for you.

When was I born?

What difference does that make? We're trying to help you out here.

Now, I hope that these magnanimous and unselfish words of warning are heeded. And one of these days, I may just check to see that they are. So in passing by some random Dodge dealer, on my way somewhere else, of course, when I take a brief glance to see what is sitting around on the lot, I will expect to see vast stocks of unsold and unwanted Hemi-engined Challengers. Especially in orange. Dodge may recognize that if it is to truly wallow in the degradation that is retro nostalgia styling, it must also offer the Challenger in the color once known as Plum Crazy; if it does, I expect to see even more of those on their lots.

That is all.

No need to thank me.

[Photo from Dodge.com. Nothing to see there.]